Christopher Walken

Probably one of the funniest impersonations I have ever heard of Christopher Walken has to be The Wedge comedy show on youtube. If you type in "cooking with Christopher Walken" and choose The Wedge video you will see what I mean. I will TRY to add it to this blog but basically I don't know how. I will run like a child to either Angus or Andrew for advice on how to do it but even then I am not promising anything, in fact I am amazed I have been able to put images on on my blog. For those of you who don't know how bad I am with computers (ok I know only about 4 people actually read my blog and they all know me) me being able to put an image on my blog is up there with teaching a chimp how to communicate in sign language. Actually no, it is like a chimp learning how to use sign language by himself. That is the level of incredible that I am talking. But then I always speak too soon so something is going to go wrong. But anyway get to youtube and view it!!

What am I doing.

I have gone way too hard too early on this blog thing. I think it is time I took break.

Ezekiel 25:17??

One bad mother fuka. Don't let the relaxed expression fool yawl!

Touch my ring again Sam and I'll cut your face off!

Apparently Mr Angus has a favourite film called "Lord of the Rings".

A tale of the ultimate piece of bling which no gangster can handle. Basically the plot can be summed up as so....Two Hobbits called Frodo (what is that short for?) and Sam postpone their civil union to set out to destroy the 'one ring'.

With the help of a thousand year old pot smoking wizard, an autistic dwarf, a male model and a guy who grew up in a

commune and learnt to ride horses, they set out on their ultimate quest. Eventually they come to destroy the ring at the only place in the world where it can be. The top of the chairlift on the most advanced run on Saurons ski field. However Frodo realises the commercial potential of the ring. (museum displays and lectures etc) and decides he will register as a sole trader and make money off displaying the ring so refuses to destroy it. Sam complains that there will be far too many problems with tax, such as provisional tax and points out that the first year is always hardest. It would be much better to chuck it onto the fire and write a book about their adventures called, "Here There and Everywhere - A hobbits tale." Frodo agrees but insists that he can think of a better title and comes up with "There and Back again-A Hobbits tale" Sam humours him but insists that they secure the rights to the story line as he saw what happened to Star Wars thanks to bloody J - no real middle name - Rowling. They return to the shire and settle down, where everyone lives happily ever after.

"Scotch Scotch Scotch I love Scotch"

One of the greatest movies of all time has to be anchor man.
Here is my tribute, I think I make quite a good Ron B and might become a news anchor.

"mmmmmmm. I look good. I mean really good"

Mattlock should have drunk more.

A number of weeks ago I drank too much. A number of weeks before that I also drank too much. What distinguishes the two is that the latter just happened to be at Gus' stag doo. What I find interesting while we are "Under the influence" (I love that term, it places blame elsewhere...like it is some sort of peer pressure and is in absolutely no way our fault) is how our intellectual skills are raised to prodigious levels. At least that is the way it seems.

Some time between 10pm and 11.30 pm: We arrive at the door of Kitty O'Sheys and disaster strikes. I Begin hiccuping. The bouncer on the door who I swear was about 17 1/2 feet tall starts looking at me sideways with squinted eyes, similar to the look you give that guy at the bus stop who tells you he knows who shot Kennedy. I can see where this is heading unless I think fast I am not getting in........Not a problem. Find the solution, I am on fire, my intellect is sharp as a samurai sword. Gandalf himself couldn't stop me getting in. Think Chris what are your weaknesses!? Ok, loss of equilibrium not a good look combined with hiccups. Ok...Think Physics! Yes!! How do you make yourself more stable?!!....... Strengthen you centre of gravity!!! Widen your stance!!! Ingenious!!!!

Discretely widening my stance I approach him calmly, and casually place my hand in my pocket to add a look of casual authenticity to my charade. Wait don't forget to smile!!! Brilliant.

What actually stood before this manwall was a drunkard with his legs 2 and 1/2 meters apart, his arm down his pants up to his elbow, glaring his teeth and swaying back and forth. Naturally he sent me packing. Fool of a took!! How could this be!! He has proven himself quite the adversary. Ok don't panic, think. Aha! Lets talk numbers. Over the the next thirty seconds I pitched to him about how being a stag doo, we will by copious amounts of drink. I believe I even used phrases like "turn over" and "profit and loss margin" but to no avail. This guy was good and he sent me packing. Somewhere in the next 5 minutes or 5 hours I managed to sneak in and even bought a beer. So like any good drunkard the only thing left for me to to do was hump Andrew. Hilariously I sat on Andrews lap and gave a convincing performance when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. With a subtle motioning of the "come hither finger" he challenged me......We meet again.

As he escorted me out of the pub I had only one choice left. Litigation, I will crush him with the power of my argument.......Smugly and calmly I turned to him and said with my eyes shut"What if I drink water?" Amazing. I had cornered him. My argument was iron clad. I made Tom Cruise in a few good men look like one of the losers on Dragons Den. Even Yoda would have had trouble finding a loophole in my wisdom. But it was all to no avail I was sent on my way, beaten by this man beast. Paying my respects to a worthy foe I staggered on with the rest of the stag doo into the evil night (and gus stopped for a piss). I learnt that while alcohol would have helped Mattlock win every case, not everyone would have seen it that way.