War Crimes

In today's delicate situation with "The War on Terror" every person who speaks without the requisite American twang or stops on a train to tie a shoo lace is shot on site with no questions asked. With people being arrested and detained for months on end due to "suspected conspiracy" it seems unfair that other figures were not punished as harshly. Take for example a certain character called Colonel John Matrix (pictured). John was a retired Austrian born US Commando who helped the US Government get rid of a south American dictator and replace him with a "democratically elected" president. Sound familiar?.....However the "evil" dictator kidnapped Johns lovely "Potential-hot-honey-back then" daughter Alyssa Milano. This does not sit well with John who declares war on basically everything and everyone and with true Austrian wit and charm begins his campaign of terror on a biblical scale.
This is where I have a small problem with the US attitude, apparently it is ok for an immigrant to wage war on South America when he feels like it and not be held accountable for a death toll that one would expect only from the Apocalypse. Take for example Johns legendary rampage at the residence of the evil dictator. This scene of unparalleled carnage lasts for about 4 minutes and 10 seconds and John guns down on average about 3-4 people every second. This works out at a death toll of somewhere around 960 men.........In 4 minutes...That's fucking genocide. A little excessive couldn't we say? Was it really necessary?
Even the angel of death himself would have trouble matching that and Lucifer would not even go there. But is Mr Matrix tried for war crimes?? No. If his rampage had continued - and it would have, he is Austrian- then he could have killed about 345,600 people every 24 hours until his mission was accomplished. This would be genocide on a scale the modern world had never witnessed. We can only thank the lord that he found his daughter as soon as he did. But still, he is allowed to return into the US without facing any kind of disciplinary action. Enjoying the full protection of the US government, he happily returned home to finish cutting some wood after erasing about 1/8 of the South American population. Further, Child Youth and Family didn't even step in to take away his daughter which is strange when you consider the amount of people he murdered before he even left America. A single parent who kills people and then jokes about it with lines like "let off some steam Bennett" and "I had to let him go" surely should have at least raised some questions. Technically shouldn't John Matrix have been hung for his crimes? Well that is America for you Land of the free and home of the brave.....and psychotic.

Superheehade

My superhero personality came out as Superman - I apparently like to help others and am athletic- which I am pretty happy with although I would have preferred the green lantern which I was close to being. As a bad guy I came out as Dr Doom which I was absolutely stoked with - I am apparently intelligent but a prisoner to my own vanity -Hilarious.

Cooom ohead square goooo!!!

I realized that it is a shame not to include some photos from our time overseas. I should have posted this on the 5th as that is when we got back one year ago so would have been a great little anniversary post but oh well. (Plus most of our travel photos are still on about a dozen CDs sitting at home) My god it has been a year already?! Anyway here is a random photo from our Christmas in Edinburgh and I thought I could give my valuable impression and opinion of some of the countries we visited so watch this space for many more photos and stories from our travels!!

Edinburgh was awesome. It is a lovely city with great views and THE castle. Here is me up in Edinburgh castle after we watched the 1 o' clock gun ceremony. (see what I am doing there!!? Eh? Eh?) That shows the scotts brilliant attitude. Before there were clocks if you needed to give the whole of Edinburgh a point of reference for telling the time, then what better idea than to make a big bloody racket at a specific time of day. Most people however appreciate to know when it is 12 o clock, a nice middle point so to speak. The problem of course is this would make for volley of canon fire which would probably last until 2pm as it takes so long to load the bloody canon. So then you would be left with nothing but a bunch of pissed of Scotts who are deaf and late for work. So what do they do? Stuff it they say let them know when it is 1 o clock !! One shot and we're done. Brilliant. Scares the crap out of you when you first hear it though.

The people in Edinburgh are great. (Didn't get to Glasgow or "the stab capital") The New Years festival, or Hogmanay was wicked except we (being from NZ) assumed we would not be able to drink at the street party and thought drinks would be pricey as, so cunningly smuggled in hip flasks of spirits to secretly drink. We turned up to see pissed people strolling into the street party with ASDA bags FULL of beer....We had forgotten we were in Scotland where drinking is their national sport, and they are good...Very good. Never mind the fireworks display was awesome and we had a good if too sober time. We went to a comedy club to which was ok the Scottish sense of humour is a little different and there was the usual annoying female comedian who thought it was hilarious to make female hygiene jokes...What a surprise. There was a funny moment during the tour of the city that is under Edinburgh - from when they re-built over "the ol plague ridden city" - when we found out that one of the fields where we had enjoyed a nice beer and a chat was where they had buried all the plague victims. Nice.

Also got photos where Renton gets stopped by the car in Trainspotting and well, they were sprinting down the main street at the start of the movie so of course we got photos of that too. Awesome.

All in all a great city and the English are not welcome which is hilarious (sorry Gus)

Ben harper top ten

Usually I am not into making top ten lists but as I was challenged to do so by Anaru and Gus then I thought I had better do one. Here are my top ten Ben harper tracks. I would include his cover of "The drugs don't work" but I assumed that I would not be allowed to include it.

10. Faded (will to live)
9. Take my hand (BH and the blind boys of Alabama)
8. Amen Omen (diamonds on the inside)
7. Pleasure and pain (welcome to the cruel world)
6. Pictures of Jesus (BH and the blind boys of Alabama)
5. Diamonds on the inside (Diamonds on the inside)
4. Waiting on an Angel (Welcome to the Cruel World)
3. The lords arms (Burn to shine)
2. Forever (Welcome to the cruel world)
1. Beloved one (Burn to shine)

Here is my top 10 Oasis list.

10. Don't look back in anger
9. None awarded
8. None awarded
7. None awarded
6. None awarded
5. None awarded
4. None awarded
3. None awarded
2. None awarded
1. None awarded

OJ Smith?

The latest Rumour about our dear Anna Nicole Smith is that OJ Simpson is the father of her latest child. I think we might see a book soon called " If we did it, here's how we did it." I wonder if he will include illustrations.

Christopher Walken

Probably one of the funniest impersonations I have ever heard of Christopher Walken has to be The Wedge comedy show on youtube. If you type in "cooking with Christopher Walken" and choose The Wedge video you will see what I mean. I will TRY to add it to this blog but basically I don't know how. I will run like a child to either Angus or Andrew for advice on how to do it but even then I am not promising anything, in fact I am amazed I have been able to put images on on my blog. For those of you who don't know how bad I am with computers (ok I know only about 4 people actually read my blog and they all know me) me being able to put an image on my blog is up there with teaching a chimp how to communicate in sign language. Actually no, it is like a chimp learning how to use sign language by himself. That is the level of incredible that I am talking. But then I always speak too soon so something is going to go wrong. But anyway get to youtube and view it!!

What am I doing.

I have gone way too hard too early on this blog thing. I think it is time I took break.

Ezekiel 25:17??

One bad mother fuka. Don't let the relaxed expression fool yawl!

Touch my ring again Sam and I'll cut your face off!

Apparently Mr Angus has a favourite film called "Lord of the Rings".

A tale of the ultimate piece of bling which no gangster can handle. Basically the plot can be summed up as so....Two Hobbits called Frodo (what is that short for?) and Sam postpone their civil union to set out to destroy the 'one ring'.

With the help of a thousand year old pot smoking wizard, an autistic dwarf, a male model and a guy who grew up in a

commune and learnt to ride horses, they set out on their ultimate quest. Eventually they come to destroy the ring at the only place in the world where it can be. The top of the chairlift on the most advanced run on Saurons ski field. However Frodo realises the commercial potential of the ring. (museum displays and lectures etc) and decides he will register as a sole trader and make money off displaying the ring so refuses to destroy it. Sam complains that there will be far too many problems with tax, such as provisional tax and points out that the first year is always hardest. It would be much better to chuck it onto the fire and write a book about their adventures called, "Here There and Everywhere - A hobbits tale." Frodo agrees but insists that he can think of a better title and comes up with "There and Back again-A Hobbits tale" Sam humours him but insists that they secure the rights to the story line as he saw what happened to Star Wars thanks to bloody J - no real middle name - Rowling. They return to the shire and settle down, where everyone lives happily ever after.

"Scotch Scotch Scotch I love Scotch"

One of the greatest movies of all time has to be anchor man.
Here is my tribute, I think I make quite a good Ron B and might become a news anchor.

"mmmmmmm. I look good. I mean really good"

Mattlock should have drunk more.

A number of weeks ago I drank too much. A number of weeks before that I also drank too much. What distinguishes the two is that the latter just happened to be at Gus' stag doo. What I find interesting while we are "Under the influence" (I love that term, it places blame elsewhere...like it is some sort of peer pressure and is in absolutely no way our fault) is how our intellectual skills are raised to prodigious levels. At least that is the way it seems.

Some time between 10pm and 11.30 pm: We arrive at the door of Kitty O'Sheys and disaster strikes. I Begin hiccuping. The bouncer on the door who I swear was about 17 1/2 feet tall starts looking at me sideways with squinted eyes, similar to the look you give that guy at the bus stop who tells you he knows who shot Kennedy. I can see where this is heading unless I think fast I am not getting in........Not a problem. Find the solution, I am on fire, my intellect is sharp as a samurai sword. Gandalf himself couldn't stop me getting in. Think Chris what are your weaknesses!? Ok, loss of equilibrium not a good look combined with hiccups. Ok...Think Physics! Yes!! How do you make yourself more stable?!!....... Strengthen you centre of gravity!!! Widen your stance!!! Ingenious!!!!

Discretely widening my stance I approach him calmly, and casually place my hand in my pocket to add a look of casual authenticity to my charade. Wait don't forget to smile!!! Brilliant.

What actually stood before this manwall was a drunkard with his legs 2 and 1/2 meters apart, his arm down his pants up to his elbow, glaring his teeth and swaying back and forth. Naturally he sent me packing. Fool of a took!! How could this be!! He has proven himself quite the adversary. Ok don't panic, think. Aha! Lets talk numbers. Over the the next thirty seconds I pitched to him about how being a stag doo, we will by copious amounts of drink. I believe I even used phrases like "turn over" and "profit and loss margin" but to no avail. This guy was good and he sent me packing. Somewhere in the next 5 minutes or 5 hours I managed to sneak in and even bought a beer. So like any good drunkard the only thing left for me to to do was hump Andrew. Hilariously I sat on Andrews lap and gave a convincing performance when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. With a subtle motioning of the "come hither finger" he challenged me......We meet again.

As he escorted me out of the pub I had only one choice left. Litigation, I will crush him with the power of my argument.......Smugly and calmly I turned to him and said with my eyes shut"What if I drink water?" Amazing. I had cornered him. My argument was iron clad. I made Tom Cruise in a few good men look like one of the losers on Dragons Den. Even Yoda would have had trouble finding a loophole in my wisdom. But it was all to no avail I was sent on my way, beaten by this man beast. Paying my respects to a worthy foe I staggered on with the rest of the stag doo into the evil night (and gus stopped for a piss). I learnt that while alcohol would have helped Mattlock win every case, not everyone would have seen it that way.