Mattlock should have drunk more.

A number of weeks ago I drank too much. A number of weeks before that I also drank too much. What distinguishes the two is that the latter just happened to be at Gus' stag doo. What I find interesting while we are "Under the influence" (I love that term, it places blame elsewhere...like it is some sort of peer pressure and is in absolutely no way our fault) is how our intellectual skills are raised to prodigious levels. At least that is the way it seems.

Some time between 10pm and 11.30 pm: We arrive at the door of Kitty O'Sheys and disaster strikes. I Begin hiccuping. The bouncer on the door who I swear was about 17 1/2 feet tall starts looking at me sideways with squinted eyes, similar to the look you give that guy at the bus stop who tells you he knows who shot Kennedy. I can see where this is heading unless I think fast I am not getting in........Not a problem. Find the solution, I am on fire, my intellect is sharp as a samurai sword. Gandalf himself couldn't stop me getting in. Think Chris what are your weaknesses!? Ok, loss of equilibrium not a good look combined with hiccups. Ok...Think Physics! Yes!! How do you make yourself more stable?!!....... Strengthen you centre of gravity!!! Widen your stance!!! Ingenious!!!!

Discretely widening my stance I approach him calmly, and casually place my hand in my pocket to add a look of casual authenticity to my charade. Wait don't forget to smile!!! Brilliant.

What actually stood before this manwall was a drunkard with his legs 2 and 1/2 meters apart, his arm down his pants up to his elbow, glaring his teeth and swaying back and forth. Naturally he sent me packing. Fool of a took!! How could this be!! He has proven himself quite the adversary. Ok don't panic, think. Aha! Lets talk numbers. Over the the next thirty seconds I pitched to him about how being a stag doo, we will by copious amounts of drink. I believe I even used phrases like "turn over" and "profit and loss margin" but to no avail. This guy was good and he sent me packing. Somewhere in the next 5 minutes or 5 hours I managed to sneak in and even bought a beer. So like any good drunkard the only thing left for me to to do was hump Andrew. Hilariously I sat on Andrews lap and gave a convincing performance when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spotted him. With a subtle motioning of the "come hither finger" he challenged me......We meet again.

As he escorted me out of the pub I had only one choice left. Litigation, I will crush him with the power of my argument.......Smugly and calmly I turned to him and said with my eyes shut"What if I drink water?" Amazing. I had cornered him. My argument was iron clad. I made Tom Cruise in a few good men look like one of the losers on Dragons Den. Even Yoda would have had trouble finding a loophole in my wisdom. But it was all to no avail I was sent on my way, beaten by this man beast. Paying my respects to a worthy foe I staggered on with the rest of the stag doo into the evil night (and gus stopped for a piss). I learnt that while alcohol would have helped Mattlock win every case, not everyone would have seen it that way.